You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
