Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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