I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
home. puking in laundry basket.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Best friends brother. Beat that.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
