Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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