I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
