I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
