At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
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