I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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