I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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