"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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