Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Life is so much better after having sex.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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