Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
