Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
