yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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