I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Soap is not a condiment
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
