Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
