Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
