I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
