He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
