The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
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the night ended with taco bell and tears
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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