yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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