my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
