I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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