Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
