just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Randomize
