i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
