I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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