Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
