Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
