I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
