wanna go halves on a baby?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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