he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
