I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
