8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
