Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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