Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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