return my video game
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
this is an emotional support booty call
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
