Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
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it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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