just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
