yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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