Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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