I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
