I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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