Even the bartender felt bad for me
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
