If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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