Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
