Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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