my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
