when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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