he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
