just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
