I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
