My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
