Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
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You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
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It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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