I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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