woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
