I just cut my nipple shaving
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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