Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
