Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
