oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
