At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
