There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
